Power and Intimacy

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I’ve discussed a wide range of power abuses in this series so far, from those threatening our democracy to the inherent violence of leaf blowers! Whether world-changing or seemingly inconsequential, we all have at least some power. And I suspect we all end up abusing it from time to time. Thus, I’d like to focus on some very ordinary abuses of power for a bit. I’ll kick things off by focusing on one of my own. Before I begin, though, let me state that this story does not involve anyone I’m currently connected with in any way—in person or on any social media platform. Here goes:

I was never a free-wheeling bachelor by any stretch of the imagination. However, I did engage in premarital sex in a manner that I considered safe, ethical, and loving. For me that meant not dating more than one person at a time and not having sex with anyone I wasn’t in love with and at least thinking about marrying.

It was an ethic that I had no difficulty abiding by—for about the first half of my life, anyway. But then I entered into a fairly serious relationship with someone I’d known for a number of years previously. Yes, there were some red flags, but I wasn’t really seeing them at the time. We were in love (I thought) and contemplating a future together. Ah, but as so often happens in relationships, the scales began to fall from my eyes, and I began questioning our chances for a happy life together. Unfortunately, by then we’d already been having sex with each other for some time.

 

The Lovers by René Magritte

Perhaps it would have been better if some argument had precipitated our breakup, but nothing overtly negative took place. We still shared the same interests. We still enjoyed each other’s company, for the most part. We still shared the same sexual attraction. Our relationship had a certain momentum to it. Things weren’t suddenly bad; they were just different. My questioning had begun to grow stronger.

I don’t recall precisely how long it took before my cognitive dissonance nudged me toward ending our relationship. It probably wasn’t long, though, given my deeply instilled penchant for “doing the right thing.” At any rate, there came a time when I realized I was no longer “in” love. I was no longer with someone I thought I might marry. Thus, for our relationship to continue as it had was inconsistent with how I felt about myself and the ethics that I thought were governing my behavior.

In retrospect, I can see that, at least for a brief time, I abused my power. For a brief time, my behavior was incongruent with the ethics I’d chosen to live by. By not articulating my changing feelings for her I was breaking the Buddhist precepts that I would one day vow to uphold.

Yes, there is a Buddhist precept against “misusing” sex, but it is another of the precepts that strikes me as more applicable. I was taking something from her that she’d not freely given. For if she’d known what was truly in my heart, she might have simply said: “You know, let’s just end this right now.” In my defense, I was unsure for a time myself what was truly in my heart. Nonetheless, we cannot freely give when we’re kept uninformed of the circumstances under which we are giving.

Human relationships are fraught with such power dynamics as the one described here, arising and subsiding quite fluidly at times. Furthermore, given the frequent opaqueness of our motivations and confusion as to the true nature of our feelings, they may go unrecognized—save for a nagging feeling that something’s not right. I hope this post encourages people on both sides of these dynamics to be mindful of what’s going on. Discuss them. Mitigate them. Defuse them. I know this is easier said than done, but unacknowledged and unwanted power differentials have a corrosive nature—destroying relationships. It’s best to navigate them openly, with fairness and compassion.

 

Refrain from doing unto others what you would not want done unto you.

—the converse of the Golden Rule


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This post is in the Power, Practice, and Peace series.

Find a running list of all posts in this series by clicking here.


Images

 Les Amants (The Lovers) by René Magritte via:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Les_Amants.webp

  

Copyright 2025 by Mark Robert Frank

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